by Gregg Marchese
Guiding her back toward her quarters from that horrid
nursery, Endrin had explained the Program tactics: immediate separation
from the birth mother, a series of intrusive tests and measurements and
exposure to cold, then caged isolation except for precisely timed
contact with impersonal Nurse-Handlers. Only the hardiest children
survived. Such early imprinting taught them that the world was a cruel,
lonely place, and that bonding with another person was intermittent and
remote. Appeals and pleas through frantic crying were routinely
ignored, and the infants quickly learned helplessness. Scheduled
feeding of chemically engineered fluids containing highly-addictive
carbohydrate complexes and other endocrine manipulators, administered
by the Nurse-Handlers from hard tubules, deepened the lesson that only
the most basic biological needs would be met, and no plea would help.
The abandonment trauma was so profound that such children as survived
were so desperate for approval and acceptance that they would grow to
do anything, including risk death.
Among other useful attributes, they were thus trained to
endure almost utter aloneness, as close as possible to conditions that
existed in the Outward Realm.
All the later conditioning that Darlai remembered from
her older childhood fell into place. She understood her own desperation
to please, her unreasoning loyalty, her disregard for her own safety,
so long as she was serving the City. It was all so carefully planned,
but she was helpless to act against it now. A feral rage burned in her,
but all she could do was channel it into a determination to succeed on
her next journey, wondering if even that could redeem such a deeply
flawed life. Still, it seemed her only hope.
That Nocturn Darlai slept fitfully, wandering through a
dream darkness, compelled by a distant screaming she could not find and
could not assuage.
At their fourth and final session, Endrin seemed
resigned, voice too even, gaze too often averted. He took only a
cursory assessment of her soul-state, not even approaching the hard
shell, and ignoring the dispersed cloud her contact with the entity had
set in her. He touched his slime pad and gave his official approval for
another journey.
As she was leaving, his voice was a mutter in the
silent chamber. “What horrors we endure for future’s sake. Will they
even know?”
She had no answer. Her Handler and the Cynosures would
know, and maybe this time it would be enough. She left without a word.
When the shutters of the City closed and the light
pools dimmed to begin the next Nocturn, Darlai knew she would scarcely
sleep. Her dream themes would only worsen. When the shutters opened and
the lights glowed bright again, she would have to report to the pulse
chamber, recovered or not. How could she sleep with the possibility
awaiting there to redeem her life? This next journey might hold the
only accomplishment for which the Handlers--and even the
Cynosures--might accept her, though it could mangle her soul, morphe
her insane, or kill her.
Musing thus during that long fourth Nocturn, Darlai was
startled to hear the soft chime of her door. A visitor? Who could be
abroad in the corridors, when all the citizens should be peacefully
dreaming? Darlai hid distress from her features and stood to open the
door.
Out in the corridor, an oblong black slab hovered in
the air at knee height, and upon it rested quiescent a frail form.
Draped in a pale tunic that shone pink in the deep red light edging
Darlai’s doorway, the thin body lay on its back unmoving. The hands,
shrunk to whisps of skin and bone, lay open and upturned, sickly pink
against the black of the slab. Darlai scanned upward across the sunken
chest, and started. The head looked overlarge, the lips thin and
colorless, forehead bulging and gleaming with taut skin. Strands of
translucent white hair fell limply back. But it was the eyes that
struck Darlai. Clear as ice, yet warmed with a glow of love and peace,
they reflected all that Darlai had never known. The soul shining out
from those eyes had profound acceptance for pain and death, and no
distress could trouble it. All was loved in their sight.
A squat, flabby man in a bodysuit of gray piped in
black stood behind the slab. His head gleamed bald in the deep red
light, the skin of his face flushed maroon. From small dark eyes hidden
in bulges of skin he peered at Darlai. “The Cynosure wishes to share
truth with you.” Milden’s voice sounded flat and toneless.
Darlai glanced at him, then back to the eyes of the
stick figure on the slab. “The truth is--” Darlai could feel no awe nor
fear looking into those eyes, only a calm joy that such peace could be.
“--I could never serve the Cynosure well. I’m too selfish.”
Milden glanced down at the slab. “She knows otherwise.
She knows the impotence of peace, that such pure love as she has
achieved can be unserving to life. And she knows that you have touched
the Outward Power.”
“Her spiritual opposite, she thinks?”
The Cynosure’s bloated head nodded.
Darlai stood looking down, caught by those eyes, but
not lost in them. She clung more firmly to her life of pain, the
cramped angst of her existence. At least it gave her something to hold
herself against. The Cynosure had drifted beyond all identity, to a
formlessness untroubled by life or death.
Darlai shook her head. “No. The Level Two was something
beyond opposites. It was-- Hunger without need. Rage without cause. It
had a motive to harm without the threat of being harmed. It was
something outside our known dualities. You can’t understand.”
“She can.” Milden stood unmoving. “The Cynosure knows
the bliss of oblivion, and from there has seen the agony of the future.
Compassion remains. It is not a false path she has chosen, but merely a
response to our time. The future will not know such times.
Determination must lead those future humans. A yearning to survive at
any cost. No pain or hardship must deter them. They must be both
ruthless and wise.”
Darlai kept gazing into those placid eyes, and a sad
compassion grew in her. So much had been renounced to achieve such
peace. The mundane struggle that gave life meaning, the nuances of fear
and hate, all had been left behind. The Cynosure was so benign that she
was impotent. Darlai suddenly felt a fierce pride in her own tainted
soul.
“And she wants me to bring back an Entity from the
Outward Realm? She thinks that can be a balance to--” Darlai gestured
at the frail figure. “You have no idea what a horror it is to touch
such a thing.”
“She knows. She must mate with it.”
Darlai looked up into her Handler’s eyes and blinked.
To submit to Milden’s grotesque embrace was horror enough, but the
thought of intimate physical and emotional sharing with a Class Two
entity-- Daral looked back down. That light in the Cynosure’s eyes
could only come from truth. The Cynosure was in full acceptance of the
soul-shrivelling horror such an experience would bring. Perhaps she no
longer had a soul as Darlai thought of it. Looking into those clear
eyes, Darlai knew that even a Cynosure could not be immune to the
influence of an Ab-Norm. Still, she could see that it was something
this wise being had evolved herself to do. Darlai knew she would strive
beyond pain and horror to bring that entity to the Cynosure’s presence,
because it was what she herself was bred and trained to do.
The Cynosure must have seen the acceptance in Darlai’s
face, for her eyelids drifted down, hiding those clear depths. Milden
reached out and tugged the slab backward, sliding soundlessly away.
Before the door shut, Darlai saw her Handler staring back at her. In
his eyes she saw a strange mix of eagerness and dread.
She did not sleep the rest of that Nocturn.
-----------------------------------------------------------
When the city opened its shutters to begin the new
Diurn, Darlai was waiting on a balcony. A few others stood there as
well, honoring the traditions of sun worship that had never entirely
been forgotten. By their tan or black suits Darlai knew them to be
Program support staff, janitors and cooks and laborers. They must have
known she was a psychonaut in her light blue singlet, for they dared
not look nor speak to her, but pressed to one side of the balcony.
Darlai stood apart, and allowed the shutter’s shadow to
slowly slide away from her face. She gazed out at the Blood Sun, a huge
crimson sphere that loomed always just above the western horizon. Great
dark ramparts rose to either side, the walls of the immense Valley, and
far down its length she saw long shadows stretching out from the Sun
like fingers caressing the red-tinted ground.
Some of those shadows were not cast by natural mounds
or crags in the Valley floor, but by the upthrust of Cities spread
along the Valley’s length. Some of the smaller shadows would be thrown
by immense mining equipment almost as tall as Cities themselves, or
refineries on the shores of dark oil lakes. Even the huge harvesters
sweeping over meadows of Gray Grasses stood high enough to cast slices
of shadow across the crimson plain.
Through the crystal panes that encased the balcony,
Darlai felt the faintest warmth on her face, and the distant glow in
her eyes brought a surge of gratitude. The Cities had their histories,
etched on crystal, of vastly ancient times when the Sun glowed a
brighter orange and arched slowly through the sky, creating naturally
the Diurns and Nocturns. Darlai was merely glad to see the Sun just as
it was, and she basked in that inner and outer glow for a while,
wondering if a sense of peace might finally come to her--the peace that
came with acceptance of death. But a familiar tension remained in her
chest and belly, and a constant angst in her mind.
Soon, she might never see light of any kind again.
Suddenly the shadows looked like frightened fingers grasping to hold
her back from doom.
She pulled herself away and marched through the halls
of the Program complex to the pulse chamber. The door swung open, and
Milden stood inside, face turned down and scowling at the neurasessor
field, its nimbus already lit, poised for him to step into it and
deploy the pulse helm. When Darlia entered, he looked up and stared at
her, his expression tense beneath the slack flesh of his jowls.
Darlai started. Beyond her Handler the black slab
hovered, and upon it the Cynosure sat upright. Her clear eyes pierced
Darlai with their absence of need. Darlai glanced back at Milden, but
he was gesturing toward the slime chair in the center of the spherical
chamber. “Make yourself comfortable, Darlai 19. We have new mission
protocols for you this time.”
Darlai peered once more at the frail ancient face, that
gazed placidly back. Trying to hide her excitement, knowing the
Cynosure would know, Darlai strode to the chair and climbed on. At once
the yielding warm tissue molded to her body, the mild anesthetic sweat
of its skin numbing even that faint contact. Darlai felt the hum of its
bio-electric charge.
From the edge of sight, she saw Milden’s shadow step
into the nimbus field. She leaned her head into the soft flesh of the
chair and closed her eyes as the pulse-helm descended. She felt its
tingling presence on her scalp, felt her hair stir in its energy field.
Then the helm settled into her brain, and her angst drained from her,
replaced with an eager focus.
Neural field contact
established. Milden’s thoughts in her mind, flat and detached as
usual. I’ll attend until you reach
the Periblima.
Clear as ever,
she replied, part of their ritual to test the connection. Sorry you can only come along so far.
She turned her awareness outward. As
usual, the Aether looks well traveled. Shall I take the usual route?
New mission
objective, Darlai 19: engage, contain, and return with Class Two entity.
Her usual contempt for her Handler’s obviousness was
overrun by her excitement. Darlai knew Milden could sense her eagerness
to please him and the Cynosure. Indeed, she thought it the main reason
the elder had broken all norms and was here in the pulse chamber. But
Darlai needed no added encouragement. This mission might be the only
possible redemption of her tortured life.
I understand,
she sent, and focused her attention on one particular route through the
Aether.
None of her usual contempt arose when Milden sent, Then proceed along pre-established pathway
to Periblima, and enter Outward Realm.
Just as she voltened into the familiar energy trail, a
pulse of compassion and gratitude touched her mind. Could Milden...?
Then Darlai knew the presence of the Cynosure also attended in her
mind. Strangely, it gave her no greater comfort.
She traversed the pathway and soared through the
Infinity Contortion without incident, barely noticing Milden’s cautious
commentary. She kept her speed moderate through the Stellar Linearity,
where a few new voids had appeared. Unnecessarily, Milden warned her
moments after she had sensed them herself, and without reply she
carefully slipped around them and accellerated toward the Periblima.
It’s beauty touched her as always, but the dread and thrill at what
awaited beyond dominated her being.
A quiet wave of appreciation swept like a soft breeze
through her soul. That was the Cynosure, honoring the beauty of the
Periblima. But without awe, without wonder. Darlai coursed up and
stopped close to the swirling colors and patterns.
All we need is one.
Milden, detached as always, yet Darlai sensed a tense import beneath
his thoughts. Proceed when ready.
She’d been readied for this her entire life. It seemed
easier than ever to renounce all will to live, and take that plunge
into the Periblima. With a distant wail haunting her soul, she entered
its chaotic field. This might
be the last light she ever saw, as the colors whisked past, their
strange psychic textures dragging at her soul. She felt the distant
delight of the Cynosure at this experience, and then Darlai was Beyond,
where no other human spirit could reach.
At once a dark tendril writhed toward her, and by
reflex and habit Darlai dodged. Almost she plunged into a black pulsing
mass that loomed into her escape path. She backed away and sought a
relatively empty area in the grey fog-like realm, from which to survey
her surroundings.
It was dense with dark presences. Level Three’s, more
minor Inimicae--though potent enough to freeze her spirit and slowly
devour her. Relatively easy to avoid though, but now many more loomed
on this side of the Periblima. Darlai was astonished that so many had
gathered in the short time since her last journey. She imagined Milden
blaming that on her brief contact with the Ab-Norm, but Darlai was
alone, and felt familiar relief and sorrow.
Tendrils were wriggling toward her, and Darlai drifted
forward again, weaving a path between them. A few times she had to veer
dangerously close to the central bodies, and felt their sucking hunger.
Almost she allowed a part of herself to be drawn in, to sample another
touch, but these were not the entities she sought. Beyond them she
sensed the Level Two’s, and surged toward them with determination and
dread.
Beyond even them, once more she sensed the aching
presence of horror that could only be a Level One. It loomed closer,
more defined in her awareness, like a dark god that had taken on
obscure form, yet it was still only background to the seething
presences of the Ab-norms coming into focus now.
Again Darlai paused. So many more Level Two’s twisted
and surged through the voids here. Now their wriggling tendrils
intertwined in chaotic patterns, in countless nodes where too many
strands tangled for her to be able to trace their sources. The black
bodies swelled and shrank throughout the web, shifting restlessly, some
brushing against others with what would sound to her ears like hisses.
Darlai almost panicked. How would she isolate one for
contact? If she touched one, with so many interwoven like this, she
would be alerting them all! She gathered her courage but tried to
adjust her disdain for death--too many othes were relying on her--and
started forward through the tangles. Now she shrank, not from panic,
but with a desperate discipline. She shaped her spirit into a column,
then a spear, that slipped without touching through openings in the
web. Even while she focused on this discipline, she cast her awareness
wide, searching for isolated entities. The two opposite efforts were a
psychic strain she had rarely endured, and she wondered if it might
permanantly damage her soul. She swept that concern aside. So long as
she lasted through the mission...
Beyond endurance, beyond agony, she slipped through the
dark web, seeking among the black spheres for one that hung apart. The
writhing of the tendrils became more frantic. They sensed her of
course. Some of the core spheres began to shift toward her. Darlai knew
that if one touched her, it would alert all the others it was connected
to and they would mob her, devour her in a frenzy. She shrank aside,
but more tendrils wriggled into her path. Two spheres drifted in, one
above and one to the side. Their strange shapes split and opened like
hungry maws.
In a moment of surrender that she hoped would finally
lead to relief, her way became clear. No longer to sneak, to hide, to
cringe-- She must embrace. With sudden confidence Darlai moved her soul
toward the Ab-norm body beside her. She singled it out in her awarness
as she did with her motion, offering her essence to it alone.
It responded. Drawing in its tendrils entangled with so
many others, it twisted them loose and began to contract them toward
its central body. That sphere absorbed its misty field into the dense
core, even as the mass split and yawned open. Without pause Darlai
surged toward that horrid hunger within.
The Ab-norm split wider. Now it almost folded back on
itself to present its seething innards. Darlai saw tiny villi, the
squirming strands waving frantic with eager hunger. She shaped her soul
into a protective shell, and then extending a single thin strand,
slowly reached out and with its tip touched one of the wriggling villi.
Almost her entire soul surged along that contact and
into the virulent emptiness of the Ab-norm. A pulse of icy hate and
hunger nearly engulfed her. Darlai had touched one before though, and
with that knowledge held her soul apart. She welcomed the aweful sense
of wrongness, of aberration, for it told her that she had not yet given
in to her longing for death. Her sacrifice must mean much more than her
own soul. The Ab-norm was sucking at her though, drawing her life
energy through that tiny contact her own tendril tip made with its
single villus. Constricting her tendril now, allowing only a trickle
through, Darlai swelled the rest of her form, spread it thin as a
membrane and flung it around the dark sphere.
She strove to merely encompass it without contact, but
the entity thrust out parts of its surface to clutch at her. She
recoiled her thin skin without opening it, keeping the entity
contained. Against all revulsion she kept her tendril in contact with
the Ab-Norm’s villus, which grew thicker and thrust deeper, seeking her
soul. It probed further, until Darlai felt it slip into her mind,
riffling frantically through her memories for base emotions to consume.
Selectively she allowed it to feed on a few recent memories, minor
fears, brief shame. She offered her latest harassment by Milden, but
withheld the formative dramas of her life.
She began to tug away, back through the web toward the
Periblima. The other Ab-norms were frenzied now, knowing that one of
them had found prey. Their black strands waved frantically, their core
bodies pulsing and splitting at random. They surged about in chaos, and
at any moment one of them could touch against Darlai’s expanded form.
Now she could not shape herself into a sliver, else lose her captured
entity. She would never be able to make it through the writhing tangle
in this shape.
Her Ab-norm did not seem to care that it was enveloped.
With malevolent glee it continued to suck at her soul, devouring the
bits of memory and emotion she allowed it. Scenes from her youth in the
Program classrooms, petty abuses from the other trainees, an
adolescent’s frustration at being unjustly blamed, slipped out of her
into the Ab-norm. Darlai knew she’d never have those memories again,
but her past was expendable. Her soul itself was expendable, so long as
she kept it functioning long enough to return with the entity. She
found that this shape suited her, a true reflection of the shape her
soul took when in her body: thin and diffuse, with an empty core that
could carry an alien evil.
It would never get her through the wildly waving net.
She dodged and wove where she was, avoiding the tendrils that swept
toward her, but made no progress toward the Periblima. At the same
time, she focused on the shivering agony of her contact with her
captive Ab-norm, sending ever-more-poignant memories into its hunger.
Awkward sexual encounters, stinging betrayals and jealousy, insouciant
responses from her Handlers, all went into its cold maw through their
enmeshed tendrils.
Darlai found that she could also suck something of the
Ab-norm’s essence into herself. At first she sampled a small sip, and
cringed at the jolt of wrongness. That very wrongness could be just the
thing to help her. She sucked a bit more, taking the chill and manic
hate of the Ab-norm into herself, watching in horror and hope as it
spread through her soul. Such longing she had to merge with it, let its
cold essence overwhelm her frail spark and make the agony end... She
fixed upon that agony instead, knowing it as a sign that she was still
separate. With fierce determination and endurance, she used it to move
again through the web.
Soon a loop of black tendril touched her, but Darlai
recoiled her own soul’s essence to the inner surface of the membrane,
pushing the essence of the Ab-norm she had allowed into herself to the
outer surface. In confusion the tendril paused, thumped again on this
strange bloated form, writhed back again in confusion. It had
encountered what must feel like merely another Ab-norm, though
strangely misshapen and tainted with odd energies. Through that touch,
Darlai sensed the many other Ab-norms tangled through the nearby web.
She strove not to cringe, but channelled her revulsion into a drive to
push onward. Other tendrils and even the core bodies reached out to
touch her bizarre hybrid form, gnaw on her surface with the edges of
dark maws, but none could recognize her hidden within the outer shell
of Ab-norm essence. She was able to surge through them, but the Ab-norm
was demanding more of her memories, sucking harder at older and more
formative parts of herself. Dramas from her girlhood, those wan
longings of a latent child for joy, love, play, were devoured by the
Ab-norm. A time when she was punished for spontaneously dancing slipped
loose to feed the sucking hunger. Darlai strove to hold some memories
back, allowing only small flashes to slip loose, but struggled against
a mounting vacuum force. The parts of the Ab-norm she had allowed into
herself became more active, striving to press inward from that outer
surface, dissolving edges of her soul at the interface like hissing
acid.
All she could do was hurry. If even a tiny rent was
worn through, her own essence might be exposed, and a stray tendril
might touch it, alerting all the Ab-norms to the presence of prey. Then
she would be doomed. The mission would fail and all her pain would go
unredeemed. She would have disappointed Milden, the Cynosure, all the
people of Endjolos, even the vast populations of the Valley Cities and
their countless unborn generations.
She hurried. Other tendrils and bodies struck her, and
she no longer tried to avoid them. She surged straight back toward the
Periblima, pushing through the Ab-norm mob, leaving a track of
confusion and hesitation through their mass. The Ab-norm within her fed
more deeply into her soul. She heard the wailing of that desperate
infant within become louder. The Ab-norm heard it too, and tried to
burrow faster. Darlai hardened parts of her soul in its path, striving
to hold it away, even as she strove to push through the clinging,
constraining web.
Finally she pushed through into a relatively open area.
Some tendrils slipped off the Ab-norm shell around her, while others
reached after her, then recoiled squirming. Even a few of the black
spheres surged for a ways behind her, then stopped.
Darlai hurried on. She bumped into the Class Three
hordes, pushing them aside, her contact sending them scattering. They
could only sense the Ab-norm essense that comprised her outer shell,
and would not obstruct a more powerful entity.
Why had the other Ab-norms stopped though? Surely they
could forge through the Inimicae just as she was, and continue the
chase right up to the surface of the Periblima. And why were these
Class Three’s so listless, barely moving until she touched them and
sent them reeling away?
Her captive Ab-norm sucked harder, devouring memories
of furtive games with dolls secretly fashioned from stuffed socks and
string, boring deeper toward the infant buried in her core. Darlai
shook off her questions and plunged through the Class Three’s. Soon she
saw the Periblima looming ahead, a blank dark gray like a gloomy fog
bank. But the Periblima always looked lighter, more a ghostly white
from this side. Why this darker tint?
Darlai felt the presence even through the gnawing
demand of the Ab-norm within her. It was immense but diffuse, emanating
an awesome power of evil that could know no opposite. Supreme in its
hate and malice, the entity encompassed the entire plane of the
Periblima surface, and reached on into vast distances of the Outward
Realm. It seethed and yet loomed in quiescent power, like a static
storm. Waves of doom rolled from it and shook Darlai and all the
Inimicae around her.
The Class One had come. God of Evil.
© Gregg Marchese
12 Mar 2011
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